Healthy Relationships
You are either in a relationship and looking to make it better or you are single and looking to have a healthy relationship, but are unsure of where to start. You have relationship baggage that makes it difficult for you to focus on your current partner and not compare them to your ex(es). You have experienced unhealthy relationship patterns and want to break those cycles.
You tend to struggle with feeling insecure in relationships. You may have questioned if you are a good enough as a partner or thought you are unlovable. You may experience loneliness and find the loneliness doesn’t quite go away whether you are in a relationship or not. You may also avoid getting close to others out of fear of getting hurt. Or, you may question if you trust too easily and open up too quickly to others just to be disappointed when they do not meet your expectations or the relationship doesn’t work out.
You may avoid conflict and having tough discussions with your current or past partners. You have struggled with being passive in relationships and asserting your boundaries. You have been afraid of being rejected if you express your true wants and needs in a relationship.
If you can relate to any of this, please know you are not alone.
Many people struggle with finding and maintaining the relationship they need and desire. This can particularly be the case for those who had to take care of themselves from a young age, whose primary caregivers or parents were not as involved, and whose parents struggled with meeting their emotional needs growing up. It’s also not uncommon for people to struggle with some form of insecure attachment and for these struggles to persist, despite attempts to break unhelpful relationship cycles and patterns.
But there is hope…
You don’t have to repeat the same cycles finding yourself unfulfilled in your relationships, with your needs not met. Through working together, I can help you break unhelpful patterns that have left you stuck, unsatisfied and lonely. I can help you feel more secure both within yourself and in your relationships. It is possible for you to have a partner and a support system that shows up for you, respects your boundaries, and prioritizes you. You can learn to be assertive regarding your wants and needs and have a partner who you feel comfortable to do this with. You can have others in your life who you can rely on and won’t let you down. I know this shift is possible from my own personal experiences and what I have seen from my clients. Working on these things in therapy can be vulnerable and scary, but you can do it and achieve the relationships you both crave and deserve.
FAQ
What is attachment?
Attachment refers to how we attach to the people in our lives. Typically, attachment is discussed in the context of how our relationships with our primary caregivers or parents growing up impact how we attach to romantic partners as an adult. Attachment is more complex than this though. Our relationships with teachers, friends, bosses, coworkers, and past romantic partners can all impact how we attach. You may find that with certain people in your life you feel pretty secure in those relationships, but with others you do not. This is not uncommon. If you are interested in learning more about how you attach, you can take The Attachment Project’s quiz on their website.
What are the four attachment styles?
The four attachment styles are: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. I have described to clients the four attachment styles like this: imagine a couple having a tense, uncomfortable conflict. The partner who leaves to escape and is on the other side of the door trying to distance themselves from their partner is avoidant. Someone with a fearful-avoidant or disorganized way of attaching takes this response a step further by building a brick wall on the other side of the door. See more on this attachment style below. The partner who is pounding on the door demanding to be let in is anxious. And what would secure look like in this scenario? A partner who calmly knocks on the door, checks in on their partner, and if told the other person needs space they say something like, “Whatever you need, I will be here when you are ready”. If you have some sort of insecure way of attaching, the idea of being like the secure partner may be both something you want and difficult for you to imagine being possible for yourself. I am here to help you with this. For further information on the four attachment styles, visit The Attachment Project’s website.
How do I become more secure in my relationships?
I will help you identify the root causes of your relationship insecurities and insecure attachment behaviors. Among other approaches, I have found healing is possible for the parts of us that are hurting in these ways through Internal Family Systems (IFS) and EMDR therapy. I will also help you identify what could be improved in your current or next romantic relationship in order for you to be more secure. An important note is while you can come to be overall secure in a relationship, that is not the same as sacrificing your attachment needs and just learning to live with what you get from your partner. Approaching things this way may seem like a solution, especially if you struggle with low self-esteem, but I assure you this approach reinforces insecure attachment. Going from having an insecure way of attaching to attaching more securely is referred to as earned secure attachment. For further reading on this, check out this article from The Attachment Project.
You and your attachment needs matter.
Romantic Partners have described me as “clingy” and “needy” or romantic partners have described me as “cold” and “avoidant”, can you help me?
Whatever forms of insecure attachment you struggle with, I am here to help you and have helped many others with similar concerns. You can read more about anxious attachment and avoidant attachment on The Attachment Project’s website.
What if I am both anxious in relationships and also avoidant at times, can I become secure?
YES! Having both anxious and avoidant components of how you attach is referred to as having a disorganized or fearful-avoidant attachment style. I have found this complex combination particularly takes a toll on clients as they try to have fulfilling relationships with others. Thankfully, I can tell you relationship security is possible if you have a fearful-avoidant way of attaching. Through therapy, I can help you know what triggers your anxious tendencies, reduce reassurance seeking behaviors, trust those worthy of trust in your life, reduce avoidant behaviors and lean into healthy conflict. On a personal note, I have struggled with fearful-avoidant attachment and know how difficult it can be. Through therapy, self-reflection, and being intentional in my relationships, I have been able to have more relationship security. I know positive changes with attachment are possible because I have lived it.
I struggle with feeling insecure in friendships. Can you help me?
Similarly to with romantic relationships, I can help you examine what is working and what is not in your friendships, identify triggers for feeling insecure with friends, and improve your sense of security in friendships.
I want to improve my relationship or get into one, but don’t feel very good about myself. Can you help me?
Absolutely. How you feel about yourself and your self-esteem can greatly impact your ability to feel secure in your relationships. See the self-esteem therapy page for further information regarding this topic and how I approach helping clients improve their self-esteem.
Do you offer couples therapy?
YES! I specialize in working with couples who are looking to heal from attachment injuries and relationship wounds. I am trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples in crisis. With EFT, my goal is to assist partners in understanding how they attach, identifying and asserting their wants and needs, healing from past relationship wounds, navigating conflicts constructively, and deepening their connection and intimacy.
Additionally, I integrate techniques from various therapeutic modalities to enhance a couple’s functioning, ability to cope, and emotional resilience. For instance, I often incorporate relaxation techniques to help couples manage their emotions and be able to engage in more constructive conversations. I firmly believe that healthy, fulfilling relationships are within reach and I’m dedicated to supporting you and your partner on the journey toward greater connection and happiness. If you and your partner are looking to repair from the past, reconnect and improve your emotional or physical intimacy, I am here to support you. Reach out to me today for more information.
You deserve a safe, whole love. I am here for you on the journey to having and finding it.
